Two little boys shouted at the minister, "Hey, mister, the Devil's dead." "In that case," he answered, "I must pray for two fatherless bairns."
A Scotsman was on a visit to New York and decided to get his hair cut. Seeing a barber's salon, he went in.
"How much is a haircut?" he asked.
"Haircuts start at twenty dollars," he was told.
He rubbed his chin.
"How much is a shave?"
"A shave? Oh, a shave's ten dollars."
"Shave my head then," said the visitor.
What's the difference between a wedding and a wake in Scotland? There's one drunk less at a wake.
How do you get a Highlander onto the roof? Tell him that the drinks are on the house.
"I've kissed every woman in this tenement block except one," said an amorous Glaswegian to his friend, just as one of the male residents of the block was passing. The man immediately turned back, went upstairs and reported this to his wife.
"I wonder who the woman is that this rascal hasn't kissed?" he said.
"Oh," said his wife, "I suppose it'll be that stuck-up Mary Mackintosh on the third floor."